“I am both happy and sad, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be”

So i’m back again.

I know in my first post i promised i would stay up to date with writing, it’s a promise i have made on many different occasions and i have never been able to stick to it.

I think about writing everyday. But i think i need to be in a particular mood to actually get myself to do it, hence why i could never be a professional writer. I have updates for you guys though, and also, thank you to everyone who has messaged me about my blog. I know it’s taken me a while to get back to you (oops) but it means a lot that you have read my blog and have said such kind words.

Onto the update. I got a boyfriend.

I know, strange. Who would have thought that a broken, nerdy, looser like me would actually meet someone. Believe me, it was hard work. I have major anxiety, which made meeting this guy and us hanging out and going on date, extremely hard for me. Luckily he seems to understand my anxiety, and it has gotten a lot better with him. I am already more comfortable around him than i thought i would be. We’ve spent a lot of time together recently, and that’s made me really happy. The only time i really get anxious is when i haven’t seen him in a while (he’s not great at keeping his phone charged) and i know it is no fault of his, but it always just creates images in my head that he actually doesn’t want to talk to me, or that i’m annoying. I know it’s not true, but anyone who deals with this level of anxiety would understand that we can’t help but think these kind of things. We create situations, that we know aren’t real, in our heads and then freak out.

Enough about that really. Other than that bit of good news, i’m actually pretty unhappy. I still have no idea what i want to do with my life. I have a job now, that i have excelled in as well, but i am really unhappy with where i work. I’m contemplating doing a college course or even going to uni. I’ve looked into it and found a course i am really interested in doing, but at the same time, the process of applying to uni is actually extremely hard. Especially since i haven’t been in any kind of education in over 2 years, so everything i ever got told about this process, i have completely forgotten. I need help, but at the same time, i have nobody in my life who can help me out. They have either never gone through the process, or the people i do know who did go to uni, i am not on good terms with anymore.

For the first time in my life, i am admitting i need help with something, and i have nobody there to help me…

It may seem like something silly. But it is also something i really want to do. And not being able to do it, because i have nobody willing to help me… sucks.

P.S if any of you guys have ever gone through the process, and is willing to help a girl out, hit me up. I could really use it.

Im also worried about money. I live by myself now, in my very own home. And if i go to uni, i’m worried about being able to afford to live. Rent is covered, but i also need to think about other bills as well. I know you can get student loans, which is also something i have looked into. And they are just as bad to understand. What can you actually get a loan for?! I know you can get them to pay for your uni course, and student living, if you get student accomodation. But what if you have your own place? Do they even consider people like that who still need help money wise?

Im just so confused about what to do. Do i stay in a job where i am completely miserable? Even looking for another job is difficult. There are limited things i can get into, or even be considered for, due to lack of qualifications, so its all retail work, or caring. And i’m not interested in any of that. But it seems to be the only thing i can get. I just want a job where i enjoy myself, is that too hard to ask?

I just want my life to mean something, i want to make a difference. Why is it so hard to do that?

Picture – Taken this morning whilst out for a run.

Music – Twenty One Pilots, Addict with a pen.




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